11-12-2018, 10:15 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-12-2018, 10:43 PM by bigcat1969.)
Hey hope you had a good sleep.
Thoughts on Chapter 4.
Maybe change Baral to another name? I got him confused with Baylon the Bard and that messed with my head.
This is starting to feel like an overly large cast of characters, but hey Martin has hundreds. I don't know if they can be spread out a bit more, maybe spend more time with one character or set of characters before moving on to other or a bit more description about them to make them more memorable? Though you did that pretty well anyway. I dunno it is probably just my limitiations as a read but I'm losing track of them. I get characters confused in books anyway especially with fantasy names.
Might be a dumb idea, but the bounty on Rynn's head and her enemy guy seemed kind of sudden. Could you sort of prefigure that in chapter one so it feels like a teaser and a payoff?
I like that they finally all come together in a nice cavalry rides in to save the day scene. They seem like a group now. It reminds me of the D&D Dragons series by Hicks and Weisman? which I really enjoyed. Shoot now i want to read that again.
Thoughts on rating. It feels basically G rated with about ten words thrown in to make it R.
Good descriptions as usual. Well placed words and phrases that made me smile in appreciation.
Thoughts on Chapter 5
And here we get some of that mature stuff with the killings. It works well after the 'good' party letting the bad guys go to get what feels like a morally ambivalent character letting some bandits have it. It makes her character more complex.
I like the relationship with the bard and the elf's mysteriousness. I don't know what is going to happen when she catches up with our hero party.
A bit of downtime seemed to work here as it seemed like we were getting a lot of attacks recently and it felt kind of like a highlight reel.
Thoughts on the whole so far.
I think you are onto something good here. What do you have 30,000 words so far. Keep it up and likely ignore much of what I've complained about. You have a unique style that in this faster world of shorter ebooks and other things might work very well indeed. I tend to think of long classic fantasy works that are likely overwritten. This is maybe a bit under written and jumps a bit, but that might actually be better in the modern and future world of writing.
Your wording and descriptions are a real strength. I don't see any problem with your English since I know you mention that as a worry. There are a few places where it is idiosyncratic but honestly I think it works especially in the context of a fantasy world.
Thoughts on Chapter 4.
Maybe change Baral to another name? I got him confused with Baylon the Bard and that messed with my head.
This is starting to feel like an overly large cast of characters, but hey Martin has hundreds. I don't know if they can be spread out a bit more, maybe spend more time with one character or set of characters before moving on to other or a bit more description about them to make them more memorable? Though you did that pretty well anyway. I dunno it is probably just my limitiations as a read but I'm losing track of them. I get characters confused in books anyway especially with fantasy names.
Might be a dumb idea, but the bounty on Rynn's head and her enemy guy seemed kind of sudden. Could you sort of prefigure that in chapter one so it feels like a teaser and a payoff?
I like that they finally all come together in a nice cavalry rides in to save the day scene. They seem like a group now. It reminds me of the D&D Dragons series by Hicks and Weisman? which I really enjoyed. Shoot now i want to read that again.
Thoughts on rating. It feels basically G rated with about ten words thrown in to make it R.
Good descriptions as usual. Well placed words and phrases that made me smile in appreciation.
Thoughts on Chapter 5
And here we get some of that mature stuff with the killings. It works well after the 'good' party letting the bad guys go to get what feels like a morally ambivalent character letting some bandits have it. It makes her character more complex.
I like the relationship with the bard and the elf's mysteriousness. I don't know what is going to happen when she catches up with our hero party.
A bit of downtime seemed to work here as it seemed like we were getting a lot of attacks recently and it felt kind of like a highlight reel.
Thoughts on the whole so far.
I think you are onto something good here. What do you have 30,000 words so far. Keep it up and likely ignore much of what I've complained about. You have a unique style that in this faster world of shorter ebooks and other things might work very well indeed. I tend to think of long classic fantasy works that are likely overwritten. This is maybe a bit under written and jumps a bit, but that might actually be better in the modern and future world of writing.
Your wording and descriptions are a real strength. I don't see any problem with your English since I know you mention that as a worry. There are a few places where it is idiosyncratic but honestly I think it works especially in the context of a fantasy world.