03-16-2019, 02:40 AM
(02-25-2019, 09:52 PM)Mattias Westlund Wrote: Looong time since the last update, and most of that time has been spent coming up with and writing a parallel storyline that is supposed to be interwoven with the existing chapters. So without further ado, I present to you:
Chapter 3b (which goes between chapters 3 and 4 and will, once everything is done, become chapter 4)
I quickly gave up on the idea of having antagonist chapters, since they would reveal too much about the underlying plot. So I'm going with this. In fact, I think this slightly more laid back plotline works quite nicely with the adventuring and pure sword & sorcery elements. It kind of adds a bit of breathing room and contemplation.
Let me know what you think.
I like this! It does a good job developing the character and the world / its goings on. Your POV is very good here. You're already good with POV, but especially here I feel like you're really giving us the world from Lilian's perspective. And with the bit about her from the Rynn episode already in the bag, I really feel compelled to read more about her.
I would avoid the "witch vs wise-woman" thing. You'd probably give a better sense of Lilian's understanding and manipulation of these brigands if you let her let them make up their own minds about her. The bit about how she saved one of them is definitely a key element for her success, as is her reasoning with Haldan.
Maybe Haldan could be a bit more physical with her? I get a good sense of him as a sort of egotistical oaf, but maybe he can grab Lilian's wrist or violently swat her hand away during the scene where he sees the echo? Lilian's coolness can really be contrasted with Haldan's brutishness here. I think he's good already with the lewd behavior, the young girls, and the "cattle" speech, but I think there can be more. When he sees that vision, that is not something an ordinary person is expecting, especially not a hungover bully who probably regards magic as something he can smash with a club.
I feel like the below is still a bit too much on the side of "telling" and not "showing":
"The Ulvar scrambled backwards with a shout of terror as she withdrew her hand and let the vision fade.
“Witch!” he exclaimed with fear shining from his eyes. “What did you do to me?"
I know this is just a draft, of course, but maybe you'll want to emphasize the quickness and severity of this change. a "sudden fear" shining in his eyes. Really try to convey how powerfully this vision effected him and how fast and startling the change was.
Something like:
"His eyes, until now expressing only an amused, slightly annoyed, curiosity, lit with sudden terror."
And I like the birds. Very "League of the Scroll"